Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
