He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
