I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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