sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
