the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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