you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
