I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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