Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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