I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Dick very happy bro
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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