feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
