i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
