fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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