I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
This is my gift to your gina
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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