i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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