....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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