did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
