Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
