he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
