Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
