Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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