Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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