He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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