Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
