It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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