you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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