Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
