just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
