worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
