I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
