idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
