so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
