Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
