you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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