The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
