I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
