He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
