Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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