Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
