She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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