Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
