You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
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