My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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