One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
