i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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