I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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