I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
