At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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