Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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