My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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