You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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